Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
