you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
