Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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