she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
