I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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