this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
