Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
