We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
