My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
