I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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