It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
