Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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