What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
