My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
did i walk over a car last night?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
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