when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
