o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
