I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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