I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
