last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
