We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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