Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
