Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
