I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
