I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
