I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
