Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
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He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
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my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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