sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
