My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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