I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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