Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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