I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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