I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
