Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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