Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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