if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i will never coherently bang her
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
