Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
