lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
