woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
