So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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