I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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