roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
