wanna go halves on a baby?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
