Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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