never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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