i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
