I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
