My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
