Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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