The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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