It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
