Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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