My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
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And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
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I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Sext me about skeletons
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