I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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