i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
