Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
