I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
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So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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